And why that mindset is quietly destroying homes Let’s talk about a painful truth many of us grew up seeing but never questioned enough:
In most African homes, the woman is automatically the problem.
If something goes wrong?
Woman.
If the man cheats?
Woman.
If communication breaks down?
Woman.
If he’s unhappy?
Woman.
If he’s stressed from work and brings tension home?
Still… woman.
And the saddest part?
Some women have accepted this label like it’s part of their bride price. But listen;
This mindset didn’t start today. It’s rooted in something deeper. Something cultural. Something we don’t speak about often.
1. African society raises women to take the blame and men to expect comfort.
From childhood, girls are told:
“Be patient.”
“Endure.”
“Don’t scatter your home.”
“Men are like that.”
“Your husband is the crown on your head.”
Meanwhile boys are trained to be kings, not partners. So when issues show up in marriage, the man is excused and the woman becomes the ‘reason’.
Why?
Because she’s the one society taught to perform emotional gymnastics.
She’s the one trained to bend, stretch, absorb, apologize, adjust, and tolerate.
Men?
They’re trained to “be men.”
2. Many African parents carry a broken definition of marriage Marriage for most Africans is a symbol of endurance, not partnership. A woman must prove she’s a good wife.
A man just has to exist. So even when the man is the one emotionally unavailable….
Or verbally harsh….
Or financially irresponsible….
Or cheating….
Or refusing to communicate…
The pressure still falls on her: “Maybe you’re not doing enough.”
“Try harder.”
“Cook better.”
“Pray more.”
“Keep quiet to keep your home.” But guess what?
A marriage built on a woman's silence will eventually crumble on her tears.
3. If a man is unhappy, they assume the woman failed. If a woman is unhappy, they say she’s ungrateful.
African women are not allowed to be tired.
Not allowed to be frustrated.
Not allowed to express emotional needs. If she speaks up?
“She’s nagging.”
“She’s disrespectful.”
“She’s not submissive.”
But if a man shuts down emotionally?
They’ll say “leave him, he’s stressed, men go through a lot.” Do you see the imbalance?
The double standard?
The emotional injustice?
Women are expected to carry the weight of the relationship while men are praised for carrying the title of “head of the home.”
4. The woman is always blamed because people fear holding men accountable
African parents protect their sons.
Churches overpamper men.
Society glorifies masculinity in a way that excuses irresponsibility.
So it’s easier to say the woman “did not submit enough”
than to say the man is emotionally immature.
It’s easier to say the woman “did not keep her home”
than to say the man lacked character. It’s easier to blame the wife
than to correct the husband. Because correcting a man feels like disrespect.
But blaming a woman?
5. And let’s be honest, some women themselves continue the cycle. Older women shame younger wives.
Aunties blame the daughter-in-law before hearing the story.
Mothers defend their sons even when they are the ones breaking their homes.
Women become gatekeepers of the very oppression that hurt them. It’s a tragic cycle:
The oppressed becomes the protector of the oppressor.
A marriage can NEVER succeed if only one person is doing the emotional work. It takes two to marry.
It takes two to stay married.
It takes two to communicate.
It takes two to fix issues.
It takes two to grow.
A woman cannot build what a man is tearing down.
And a man cannot enjoy peace he refuses to contribute to. Until we stop blaming women for everything.
Until we start holding men accountable.
Until we teach boys emotional maturity, communication skills, responsibility, and empathy.
Until we stop praising “endurance” and start teaching partnership.
African marriages will continue to suffer.
Because a marriage where the woman is always the problem
will forever be a marriage where the man never becomes the solution.